I received this in my email today from my grandfather. Please have a read all the way through. It will bring you quite a laugh!
Thanksgiving has come and gone. Black Friday has been survived.
It's now time to go back and review some oldies from Christmas' past.
'Tis the Season.
Greetings
DATE: October 01, 2003
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at
the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll
have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A
Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees
can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make
the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only
for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
===============================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those
still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree
present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for
your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
===============================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table
that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I
supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed
since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
===============================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate
how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your
meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to
take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've
arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert
buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower
arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to
cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed. We will have booster seats
for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We
cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with
high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert
for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Damn Employees
DATE: October 05, 2003
RE: The Damn Holiday Party
Vegetarian jerks, I've had it with you people!!! We're going to
keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your damned salad bar, including organic
tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you
slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I
hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2003
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime,
management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the
afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays
